There are people out there that take tooth-brushery very seriously. I know, because I’m one of them. Some folk made sourdough during COVID lockdowns – I personally spent a lot of time hyperfocusing on yoga and then showering and brushing my teeth while still in the yoga zone.
My theory was that through keen attention and deliberate practice, maybe I could thicken some neural pathways and develop high-resolution sensation in my gums. Look, it’s a hobby, ok? I’m sure yours would sound weird to me too.
And as a result, I can now say with some pride that if you give me five minutes, a thirty-dollar supermarket-grade electric toothbrush, a gloop of paste and a state of supreme mental clarity and physical awareness, I can reliably walk out of the bathroom feeling like my teeth have been cleaned by a dentist. Pro tip: gaps and gumlines, compadres, that’s where all the action’s at.
So when Oclean’s Aussie marketing team offered me a chance to test an AU$450 sonic toothbrush with AI voice guidance, a touchscreen, and a “TurboClean” mag-lev motor capable of up to 84,000 jiggles per minute, I’ll confess: I may have scoffed a little.
But as I told friendly Oclean rep Salvatore, “that looks like the Rolls-Royce of toothbrushes.” And while I’m not planning to build a name as a toothbrush reviewer, I’ll try the Rolls-Royce of anything.
And I’m now here to tell you: if you’re serious about brushing your teeth… This fearsome implement may just be worth the price.
You can certainly see where the money’s gone. Built into this toothbrush you’ll find Wi-Fi and Bluetooth connectivity, a 6-axis gyroscopic inertial measurement unit (IMU), a full-color capacitive touchscreen, an audio system, and a lithium battery that’s good for 40 days, twice a day, without ever losing speed or power.
Why the IMU? Because this demonic machine tracks which quadrants of your gob you’re operating on, and how much time you’re spending there, giving you a real-time 3D visual on the toothbrush itself – or on a connected mobile device where you can flip your view around to see exactly which bits are still in need of attention.
Oclean
It also verbally coaches you about when to switch zones, or if you’re using too much pressure, moving the toothbrush too fast, or exhibiting “excessive lateral pull” in your endeavors.
Indeed, post-clean, you can go to the app for in-depth play-by-play feedback and statistics, provided you’re willing to subject yourself to an absurd level of scrutiny and shame. Seriously, it’s like having the drum teacher from Whiplash break you down after brushing.
“You have an issue of excessive pressure in your toothbrushing this time,” I’m informed after my first session, followed by several more paragraphs on why this makes me a bad person. I check the stats. I pressed too hard for four seconds out of the four minutes I spent brushing. Sheesh.
“Your toothbrushing score for this time is 89,” it tells me another morning, “indicating inadequate cleaning. The main issue is partial area neglect. Persistent partial area neglect may lead to diseases such as tooth decay…” And there follows a litany of woes I can expect to experience if I don’t repent and change my ways, including “intense pain that significantly affects quality of life.” I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.
It takes me more than a week to earn my first 100% score on a brush and finally rise above the machine’s criticism. And I tell you what, I felt like I earned it. I finally made the grade.
This is an intimidating machine in other ways, too. That 84,000 wobbles per minute maglev motor is a world away from whatever hamster wheel drives my $30 supermarket special.
I’d expect a “sonic toothbrush” to be louder – it’s almost silent when you switch it on, but it does sound and even feel a little like a dentist’s drill when you stick it in your mouth. It vibrates so fast that the motion itself is barely perceptible, until you bump the back of the brush head up against a tooth and have a brief religious experience. The soft-touch covering can only do so much; this is a tool to be handled with care.
It doesn’t take long to get used to, but I will say this: I haven’t turned it up past the middle setting out of five, and honestly, I don’t know that I’ve got the cojones to try.
Oclean
The brush heads – and there are three different ones called “Ultra Clean,” “Ultra White” and “Ultra Gum Care” – are indeed well-shaped to get those bristles into the gaps and gumlines, and as to the overall effect? Well, this beast of a thing does indeed get me to that “wow, I feel like I’ve got a whole new mouth” sensation every single time, and in about half the time I’d take to get there with supreme concentration and a supermarket special.
I’m genuinely impressed. And there are accessories, too; a magnetic wall mount. A classy little travel charging case. A wireless charging dock for the rare occasion the battery needs attention. The attention to detail here is extreme; even the packaging is engineered to the point where it only fits back together one way.
I’m even more impressed to learn that this thing only costs US$159.98 in the United States (and its little brother is only $49.99 from the Oclean store). That’s still an insanely high price for a toothbrush, I hardly need to point out – but if you’re looking for the absolute apex predator in the toothbrush world, the experience here is everything I could’ve hoped for and more. It’s taken care of. I need a new hobby.
And I think there’s an argument for putting toothbrushes in the same category as pillows; you use them every single day, and they can make a significant delta to your quality of life. Spending some extra money here might actually make some sense.
If you’re going to spend some money, the Oclean X Ultra S Smart Sonic is indeed the Rolls-Royce of toothbrushes. Or perhaps the Mercedes-Benz EQS – a high-performance luxury machine loaded to the gunwales with cutting-edge technology. The kind of tech you might not really need, but that you sure appreciate when it’s there.
Source: Oclean
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