With a world in crisis and an art market spinning out of control, ace art-world consultants Chen & Lampert deliver a quiz full of hard choices for Art in America readers from far and wide.
People say art is a young person’s game, and with all the hot artist and influencer portraits in magazines and social media, it feels like the industry insists that your painted face is as important as your painting. Last year, Marina Abramović launched a wellness line to share the beauty secrets that have made her a performance art maven for half a century. With the promise of the fountain of youth, should you ingest her ancient potions to gain the power to sit in a chair for three months straight?
1. Which of Marina Abramović’s wellness products promise to help you tackle “the art of living well”?
a) Energy drops
b) Immune drops
c) GHB drops
2. Abramović’s concept of “living in the present” is simply:
a) Being sandwiched between two naked people
b) Telling young music festivalgoers to be quiet
c) Peeing in a bedpan while staring someone in the eyes
3. Taking Abramović’s Immune Drops in recommended doses of “50-60 drops two times a day” will make you:
a) Immune to being able to pay rent
b) Immune to artistic quality control
c) Immune to any of your old friends and loved ones
4. Abramović states that “joy, in its purest form, is a powerful antidote to the stresses of daily life.” What else is a powerful antidote?
a) Adderall
b) Cojones extract
c) Free gluten
5. Which of these terms are you least likely to find on the Longevity Method website?
a) “Muffled scream”
b) “Constant Comment”
c) “Humble”
6. If Abramović sold purifying incense, it might smell like:
a) Eau de fresh-baked Subway bread
b) Aroma of desperation
c) Parfüm von Klaus Biesenbach
7. Which of these is the ancient secret ingredient in all of Abramović’s products?
a) Pink cocaine
b) Lithium
c) Student loan debt
8. What kind of yoga pose is recommended while dosing on the Longevity Method?
a) “I’m in a Jay-Z video” pose
b) “This is not self-harm” pose
c) “Entrepreneur” pose
9. It is said that Abramović’s grandmother gave her the secrets of natural healing. What else did the artist get from her?
a) Her Mr. Potato Head voodoo doll
b) Her world-famous humility
c) Her penchant for exaggeration
10. Cheaper alternatives to the Longevity Method include:
a) Snail mucin
b) Goop
c) Oil of Ulay
SCORES
10–16: Your desire to cleanse yourself of toxins and trauma has led you to double down on tinctures and elixirs. If you look at Marina Abramović and think, “yeah, that’s what I need,” then there is simply no way to prevent you from helping you help yourself.
17–23: You want to feel better, but you don’t want to spend a lot of money on the path to wellness. Rather than starve your wallet, you might want to feed your soul “Double Stuf” Oreos and a shot of reality Goldschläger.
24–30: Chances are you already own a bottle of aspirin. Donate the cash you would have spent on the Longevity Method to a trusted charity if you want to make yourself and others feel better.